Heterosexuality is the opiate of the masses.

I wish I was gay.
I really, really, wish that I was gay.

So gay, in fact, that I was the king of the gays and held court on all things homosexual at my rainbow colored castle located in epicenter of Boy’s Town.

(Well, maybe not that gay. But at least gay enough to be able to name off several types of white wine without having to pass of my ignorance with a joke about Franzia).

But as unfortunate as it is to say. I’m not gay. And sadly most of you are not either. So let’s just face facts my heterosexual brothers and sisters and admit to ourselves that we lost the war of “which sexual preference has the better sex life” years ago, when MDMA and house music swept the gay community back in the early 1990’s.

Listen, I know for most of us vanilla straight types out there, the poop shoot is a no go zone of alienation. But if my asshole wasn’t so extremely tight I possibly would like giving anal sex a try. As my gay friends have told me some very great things about it.

But as hard as I’ve tried, I can’t fit anything up there.

And boy, how have I tried….

But back onto the topic on hand. I believe that out of all the sexual persuasions out there gay dudes have it the best. As we breeders are sadly cursed to spend our evenings in with our lovers doing stupid shit like watching romantic chick flicks on Netflix. And other boring tedious soul crushing things which no straight man should ever have to do.

And while we straight men are doing these stupid things, the stereotypical gay dudes are out there dancing the night away and doing other cool shit like throwing pride parades, going to a tranie filled cabaret, and buying expensive glassware.

Here are just some things that come to mind when I picture myself as my idealized homosexual doppelganger:

1.) I’d automatically be a part of a fantastic club scene that wasn't filled with drunken college girls who don't know how to hold their liquor. Or that bad things tend to happen when you put too much blow up your nose. 

2.) I imagine that I would have more casual sex than I already do. Perhaps I am just stereotyping, but a large part of me thinks that there are a lot more available fish in the sea if sucking cock is your thing.

3.) I’d probably have great abs. (But if by some vengeful act of the gay gods I didn’t. It would still be ok. As I would have my own sub-gay community of bears which would still perform fellatio on me).

4.) I’d probably have a boyfriend who treated me very well. I mean, we’d probably be one of those couples which everyone just said “Oh they’re just so perfect for one another”. We probably would be so perfect together, in fact, that even the most right-wing nut job would just break down and say that it would be crime for anyone to stand in the way of our love. For it flowes as easily and beautifully as an afternoon summer’s rain.

And there you have it. All the reasons why I wish I was gay.

And while in the past I’ve tried fixing myself by going to several straight to gay conversion therapists. At the end of the day I still always find myself masturbating to Bangbros.com.
Which is a heartbreaking shame. Especially when I am reminded of my heterosexuality each and every time I give one of my lady friend's pearl necklaces of both the literal and figurative variety.

Woe is it to be a heterosexual in the early days of the 21^st century. As straight love no longer has any romance to it. I'll even say it aloud that the only true romance left in the West is gay love. And as such, it does my heart good to see true love each and every time I find myself in Boy’s Town with a lady friend of mine. Who just so happens to be wearing a pearl necklaces of mine of both the literal and figurative variety.