I Make Love to Myself Far Better Than You!

During my life I have only tried to send love from my tongue (which in all honesty lives in the mouth of a well spoken simpleton). But I’ll confess, that at times I would rather be an emasculated, complain-ee, than do what is necessary in order to create for myself happiness. And while I am not always so steeped in self loathing, there are moments when I must remind myself that - generally speaking and in most instances - my will is good.

For some reason that I do not know why my life always had a strange way of taking interesting and obtuse turns. I think that this was the case mainly because I made the promise to myself years ago to always say “why not” in place of “why”.

But these days I am trying to change and not be so open to the insanity that I aspired to years ago. My life goals now are more based upon the idea of trying to be more happy, more merry, more of a better person. Hopefully I can put all of that craziness behind me as all the warnings from the college lifestyle 101 are now no longer valid. Which I am quite thankful for as the college lifestyle was not conducive towards the positive life choices which I am trying to make these days. And also admittedly, I haven’t felt excitement about undergraduate education for a long time now.  

But back when I was still in school there were times in which I would smoke cigarettes outside my school’s building. And during these mini-cancer sessions, I would sometimes find myself staring at the freshmen who are just beginning their higher education careers. Behind my neon-colored vintage Ray-Bans, my eyes would pierce them like a Vietnam veteran with a thousand yard stare. Filled not with hatred but rather with a mournfully intrusiveness over these kids. As to me, they all still held the innocence of a person who has not yet been broken by the world. 

Sometimes, if I was in a reflective mood (which smoking cigarettes generally puts me in) I would try to remember back to when I was in their shoes.

When I do this strange memories tend to flood back to me. Four years later. It seems like a lifetime. Or at least a main era. Chicago in 2008 was a very special time and place to be a part of. Maybe it meant something. Maybe not. I can hardly place myself there when I try to remember those devil may care days back when I was 18.

In someways, it is a fool's task trying to look backward and remember yesterday. As the past is a hard thing to truly know. I think a lot of people who write about past eras are biased by their trade, special interests, or personal perspectives. But objectively for me, it seems entirely reasonable that the embodiment of an era can come together at a central point. And in my world, that central point was Chicago in 2008.

I guess my central memory of that year mainly centers on a handful of nights (or should I say early mornings). When I used to go see a show at the Metro in a state of being half crazed. And afterwards instead of going home like a normal person. I would hop on the L and bomb southward toward the Loop or some student’s apartment located in an ethnic neighborhood like West Englewood or Pilsen.

During those days, there were youthful indiscretions in every direction. No matter where I went I was sure that I’d find some party, some adventure, some easy sex; or at least something interesting.

Yet in spite of all that debauchery in the air, the climate of 2008 was filled with sparks and sing-songs of reform. As with the election of President Obama, we were to finally put away the 9/11 era and move onto something new. Something bold. Something which wasn’t based in negativity or prejudice.

And I think that, sex and drugs aside, reform was the main focus of 2008. As simply, there was this sense in the air of inevitable victory over those indescribable forces behind the curtain which had been keeping us down.

Or maybe I just feel that way because on November 4^th 2008 I was smoking a joint and drinking vodka straight from the handle with a couple of Latin Kings. So in all honesty, I haven’t the faintest clue to the validity of any of the above statements as that era for me was a blur of booze, drugs, and having to fake orgasms.

But I digress…

Although, if these four long years have taught me anything. It is that everyone needs to drop the frustration, guilt, and empathy; which we all have for one other.

While there is certainly good in everyone. Our sentimentality is making us reckless with our hearts. So stop loving each other so much! You all just make me so fucking sad.

I just don’t think that I can handle les miserables enfants anymore...
I know. I know. I am just a sad, unappreciative, Scorpio. Jesus man. Why don't you just enjoy it?  I don't know! Stay sober and go for a jog or something. The serotonin will eventually flood back into your brain.

But whatever the truth may be. I know that my self loathing is always for certain. But in spite of that, at least at the end of the day I can make love to myself far better than you can!